Thursday, 29 March 2012

Cheering Myself Up

Also known as embarrassing moment # 6713

So, I thought I would continue on with the embarrassing moments theme - not just because there are SO many but am having a crap time at the moment with something so need a laugh - and why not laugh at myself!!!

Last year I was working on another short term contract for a local government authority. This was located basically inside a retail complex - well, OK, you walked out the door, down about 30 steps and in another door and then voila...retail heaven (well, not really heaven but anyway, I digress)

This particular day I must have had some very important crap stuff to do or was meeting with some over inflated egos very important people as I was all suited up, with the high heels (no, not the same pair as the last story, but similar). Anyway, I have strutted around in heels on and off for many years now and this was nothing new to wear them to work. They are actually one of the most comfy pairs of shoes I have had.

So this day I was heading down to the shops to grab a coffee and just had my wallet and ID tag. After pulling some ridiculous faces at a couple of the staff on the ground floor (you know who you are) I walked out the doors and started to walk down the steps.

Now I do have a bit of a phobia about stairs and I do like to hang on to the rail. I know, Nanna Nanna. But, I have been known to fall both down and up stairs, generally not at the same time, and have spent many a time at the Old Mater Hospital in Sydney getting even more stitches put in my body.

Having also had two failed knee reconstructions on the one leg, I also feel as though my leg may give away at any second when going down stairs so I hang on like there's no tomorrow and won't let go of that hand rail for anyone.

Having managed to get down the stairs without incident, I was then walking the 20 steps to make it into the doors of the retail centre. Whilst also checking I actually had enough coinage for a coffee.

Well, lo and behold, down I went. No idea how it happened but yes, I fell over. No, my heel didn't get caught in anything, no I wasn't drunk (yet) and no I did not walk into anyone.

I. Just. Fell.


So, splat goes the wallet and all those absolutely useless customer reward cards that I have. Of course, there were no monetary notes (there hardly ever is in my wallet) but as I had been trying to make $4.50 out of silver, that went a yonder.

Once again, I landed in downward dog pose, and once again, could feel the pain of the split knee and also the gravel rash on one palm.

Now by this stage I was very concerned that there would be my co workers standing around and laughing at me, but luck would have it, I couldn't see any (although I heard afterwards that there were a few who were hiding behind poles in fits of laughter!).

As I was trying to regain oxygen in my lungs, I started to try to put my head in an upward position and spotted a young woman (well, that isn't actually what I would call her but she was female) with a young fellow and a younger boy of about 13/14. The young lad then came skating over towards me on his skateboard asking "Oh lady, are youse awright?"

After I gave him a lesson on the correct use of the English language, he helped me up to my feet (no mean feat for him). I could then hear smirking and looked towards the scrag female who was now convulsing with laughter with tears streaming down her face.

Anyway, back to me. Now that I was upright, I thanked the young lad who was standing there looking at me. Thinking he may have been waiting for a tip, I asked him if he was OK. He replied "Oh I am OK, I just wanna make sure you are OK. See, my gran is like you, she is always falling over too".

Well, didn't that make me feel better.

Anyway, I am sure the boy  has now recovered (nah, just kidding). Although his command of the English Language was not up to speed, he was a good kid making sure I was ok.

Oh, and once I regained composure (well, I actually hadn't but pretended to), I walked past the girl with my head held high (and blood dripping down my leg faster than Ben Cousins says yes to a drug deal) I said to her "don't you laugh Missy, you'll be like me one day" to which I heard her mutter under her breath "Not likely!"

So, there you go. Yet another of my mishaps which fortunately left no lasting injury but can now be the point of a good laugh (most of the time)

Any you want to share??


Lisa x0x

Well, now, that cheered me up!

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Embarassing Moments # 679, #899 and #2304

So If you read an earlier post you will realise that I have had some embarrassing moments in my life, as well as awkward ones (black bra anyone - read back if you have no idea what I am talking about)

I was discussing these with Horse Girl recently and she reminded me of many a couple which I thought I might share.

#679 - The Job Interview. I have had a shitload few jobs over the years and like to think that I am quite cool, calm and collected when doing the whole job interview thing - Lord knows I have had enough practise.
This particular time was not that long ago when a contract I had was drawing to an end and I was desperately seeking more work. I managed to score an interview for this certain job and of course the distance from where I was working at the time to where I had to go for the interview was quite considerable.

Not wanting to be late, I left enough time to basically drive around Australia get to the interview without rushing. So with an HOUR TO SPARE, I went and grabbed a coffee and read over my notes.

I was all suited up with heels on, although not the 94 inch ones you see young girls wearing these days (I can say that as I am old) but ones that I have had for some time and had no trouble walking in.  So, the time had come and I walked into the interview. The place where the interview was being held was in a construction site as they were still building the business (literally, they were still building the building) but I thought, ah no worries, I have been on building sites before.

As the interviewer proceeded to put his hand out to greet me (not in a high five type way but a mere handshake) I manage to get my heel caught and couldn't quite manage to extricate my heel out of the crack in the floor whilst staying upright.

I then proceeded to fall oh so inelegantly down the interviewer with my outstretched hand doing what appear to be a 'pat down' of his entire body! I ended up in downward facing dog pose (or whatever its called) and trying not to cry - more from sheer embarrassment as I did not realise I had cut my knee so badly that I would later have to consider a blood transfusion due to the amount of blood loss.

Of course it was one of those VERY awkward moments when no one knew what to do. The interviewer stood there saying - Oh dear- whilst his assistant tried not to giggle and picked up all my papers. Meanwhile, I was still in my yoga position wondering how the hell I would recover.

But recover I did. I scrambled jumped to my feet and brushed myself down (as opposed to brushing the interviewer down) and said - "Right, now that's over, let's get on with it".

I think the interviewer was possibly more shocked than me at this stage and offered a glass of water. Glass of friggin' water - How about a vodka mate!  So, the interview proceeded with his 16 year old blonde bimbo assistant still trying not to laugh and mean trying not to deck her during the interview.

And it finished with my suit pants stuck to my leg thanks to dried blood and me trying to laugh it off and suggesting that surely my inability to stand on two feet would not hinder my employment prospects.

Alas, it appears it did!

And now, you will just have to wait for # 899 and #2305. But they're a coming!


Lisa xoxo

Monday, 26 March 2012

My Reality Show

Sorry, it's been a while.
You know how life gets busy, and time moves way too fast!

But I have decided that perhaps I should go the way of Lara Bungle Bingle. Apparently she is going to have her own reality TV show called I'm Lara Bingle (well, it wouldn't be - I am a girl from The Shire who scored big time with a cricketer but then got bored and now I am a ......) or Being Lara Bingle (well, it wouldn't be - Being a model who has the most amazing credentials in ...nothing) or some such title.

Apparently she is going to rent some place and move her best friend/agent (what does that mean and what do they do and do they actually get paid for it) and her tradie brother in so we can see a warts and all show of her life.

Now, I am not exactly sure what Ms Bingle actually does for a living. I know for a while she was highly overpaid for the most ridiculous ad for Tourism Australia, and that she was also posing in a bikini with a cricket bat in another.

I think she may also be known for driving around in a ludicrously expensive car which she had trouble parking and that she wears just as ludicrous high heels.

mmm, sounds like riveting television viewing.

So, just to give you an insight into my reality show, I thought I would give you a bit of insight into my exciting life in the past few days, and the upcoming few days.

Well, today I went and watched the Senior Sergeant play his first trial game of footy for 2012. Exciting times included him losing his mouthguard the minute he arrived at the game and having to borrow someone else's (mmmm, not too sure about that - I think it was previously unused) and then watch him play a decent game. I know, I know, very exciting tv viewing here. I also managed to drink most of a coffee until I tipped it up and realised the lid had NOT been secured properly so that the remainder of the coffee (and it was a large one so just imagine how much was left) then proceeded to make it's way down my rather expansive cleavage and burn the crap out of me.

What other riveting segments of my life could be filmed?  Ah yes, the ongoing saga of the world's biggest bees nest which has been developing outside my bedroom window for some time now. It is rather ugly and has grown to gigantic portions (OK, slight overstatement here but it is TV) but the worst thing is they have now gone into the wall cavities so at night in bed I can hear all the little buggers partying up and down the wall cavity.

I know, I Know. I reckon channels 7, 9 and 10 are just going to come knocking down my door anytime soon with such riveting episodes of my life happening each and every day.

And you want to know what I say to them?

Hey, where the bloody hell are you?

(get it, the only thing I remember about good old Lara Loose Lips)


Lisa xox

p.s. No supermodels, models, or mildy attractive women were hurt during the writing of this blog post

Friday, 16 March 2012

Neighbours, Every Body Loves Good Neighbours!

I was going to write today about some news headlines that I saw this week.
These included how Madonna is doing it tough as a single Mum of four, and how Gwen Stefani felt that life was really hard being a working Mum.

Oh, the words, spinning around in my head for that blog post. Poor pets!

But, I have decided instead to let you know of yet another embarrassing moment in my life. Yes. That's right. It just goes on and on. And on. And this one happened last night!

Now I am in a bit of a decluttering frenzy at the moment (not that you would think so if you walked in to my house). But, as we seem to be regular movers (and shakers - ha ha ha) I must admit I have started to wonder as to what is in those boxes that I move from one garage to another.

So in the interests of my back, I have decided it it time that I look inside them. As one who has change occupations on a fairly regular basis, I have quite a lot of boxes which are occupation related. I have boxes for primary school teaching, a box of swim  teaching 'stuff', boxes of TAFE teaching resources, oh and even three boxes of trophies for my current job.

Not only that, but I have tried pretty much every type of craft activity under the sun. So I also have boxes of 'stuff' for mosaics, scrapbooking, stamping, card making, ceramics, sewing - ok, I am going to stop there.

Oh, and don't get me started on how many boxes of folders I have from the divorce and subsequent bankrupting family court hearing and paying for a round the world holiday for my solicitor and his family of five.

Therefore, the dining table, much of the floor in that room, the kitchen table and the kitchen benches, as well as the lounge room floor had some of my 'stuff' spread all over them tonight. And, not wanting to get my 'good' clothes dirty, I changed from my work clothes to a daggy old pair of shorts and a torn black singlet top which also has paint splodges all over it (Oh I forgot, box of painting supplies too).

I had also decided to scrunch my hair back in some type of sexy crap looking ponytail and had managed to wipe most of my mascara down my face when I heard a knock on the door!

For crying out loud, I don't even tell the family where we live, who on earth would be coming to visit (and I DID pay the gas bill on Monday so knew it wouldn't be them).

Oh, it's the neighbour from over the road who has not acknowledged me in any way, shape or form for the 10 months we have lived here. Every time I see them I wave madly (maybe that has something to do with it) and get absolutely no response.

Why, I hear you ask, was he popping over on a school night? Surely he didn't need a cup of sugar???
Oh no, he needed to know if his son was successful in gaining a place in a team related to my work.

Oh, please come in. We always live like this looking as though we are a bunch of carnies who have just lobbed in for a night or two.

And then, he followed me around the house as I was trying to find his so important piece of paper asking me completely irrelevant questions whilst I was trying to look ever so professional with hair sticking up like I had just put my hand in a power point and received a massive electric shock.

So, the moral of the story? Well, there are two.

1. If you are the neighbour, WAVE as you never know when you are going to want something from them
2. See number 1


Lisa  xox

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

I've Got What Hanging Off Me???

I thought it was time again for another tedious  exciting story from my past life.

A couple of years decades ago I worked for Fosters! Yep, the beer one. And I didn't drink beer at the time. Lucky for me I was in charge of doing the promotions and marketing work for their yuppie boutique imported beers, their Cascade Brand, three wineries and a french champagne house.

I know, I know, but someone had to do it. And get paid for it. And have a company car. And a cab charge account for the weekends! Ah, the memories - actually I can't remember too much of that time but I know it was fun! Funny how I was so popular at the time.

Anyway, one of my ventures was to go down to Thredbo and Perisher Valley and Jindabyne during the winter months, to make sure people were drinking, responsibly of course.  So this particular trip I timed it so tow of my friends came with me from Sydney and we managed to do a bit of skiing and a bit of apres skiing - all in the line of work!

On the way to the snow, I had to stop in at Canberra for a meeting at one of the big posh hotels. I was all suited up, and when we got there, had to race in to the bathroom - well, it was a long drive.  My friends had followed me in and then as I walked out of the ladies I told them i would meet them in a little while, after the meeting.

They were looking ever so strangely at me, with mouths pursed like a cat's bum and tears starting to fill their eyes. Thinking that they were either completely insane, or just off their rockers, I walked out, and off to where my meeting was being held, to the strains of their unashamed laughter.

Reaching the table where the Very Important People were who I was meeting, one of my friends raced up to me and grabbed me around the waist, telling me to back up slowly. Concerned that my friend had gone completely off her dial, I asked her WTF?????

As I excused myself to my very important meeting people, I backed up and glared at my friends. Once they had finally stopped laughing, they managed to get a few words out.

Ones that you do not want to hear, especially when you are at a very important meeting.

"Lisa, toilet ..... paper.....undies......skirt....trailing..."

Yep, that's right. I had toilet paper stuck in my undies which my skirt was tucked into and it was trailing after me as I walked so confidently in my serious work heels to my very serious meeting.

Red anyone?????

Oh, just one of SO many........

Had any of your own embarassing moments you'd like to share???


Lisa xox

Friday, 9 March 2012

Cranky Women's Association

I know. I have taken a huge risk with the title of today's blog and I mean NO DISRESPECT at all.
It is just one of the terms I have heard when people describe the CWA, also known as the Country Women's Association.

I read that Germaine Greer, in all her glory, has suggested that feminists who want to align themselves with an organisation that is moving forward, chose the CWA.

Country Women's Association ... feminist organisation of a different kind.

I can tell you from personal experience that these chicks are bloody hard workers. Not only is Mum one, but I have also seen them work at The Royal (Easter Show) and at an event here in The Highlands.

A few years ago I had the bad luck  fortune to work at the Royal Easter Show on on of the stands promoting country living (Unfortunately that area of the country has been deluged with flood waters this week so not sure how well that will work now) and at the end of the days I was buggered.  They are long days standing on a concrete floor and dealing with idiots people asking amazing questions!

Starting at 8am every day and working through till 9pm every night was hard work. There are some seriously odd people out there who ask some seriously odd questions. But I digress.

Those CWA ladies came in earlier than the crack of dawn and cooked and baked and baked and cooked to provide scones for the masses. And I mean masses. As I was one of the plebs I was given special clearance to go into the kitchen and always get an extra dollop of cream once I told them that Mum was a CWA chook.

I bet these ladies have a few stories to share!
I managed to work the whole 14 days in a row, and I was absolutely shattered by the end. And some of these chooks were the same (although about 40 OK, 30 years older than me).  SO I have the UTMOST respect for these ladies.

And everyone loves a CWA scone!

When I ran a 14 day event here in The Highlands a couple of years ago, I also worked with some of our local CWA organisations. One of the best things I have seen was one of the Senior ladies tear strips off someone I worked with for idiotic ideas and basically being an all round idiot! You Go Girl.

So, although I found it interesting that Ms Greer has suggested that feminists join them, I can't help but wonder why she has suggested this. I would like to see her at the local meeting!

But, it is not all scones and tea from these wonderful ladies. They do an incredible amount for the local communities, and not all of this is promoted or big noted as some other organisations like to do.

So, today, I SALUTE YOU CWA CHOOKS. You are one fine team!

CWA of New South Wales


Lisa x0x

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Relay For Life

We have signed up. Yep!
We will be walking, walking and more walking around in circles (I do seem to do this on a fairly regular basis so how hard can it be)

The Horse Girl, the Senior Sergeant and I are going to do the Relay for Life in Bowral at the end of April. Horse Girl came home from school the other day announcing that some of her friends are keen. To say that I am proud of the two mini gypsies is an understatement. They are so keen to do this and to be involved. Cheers to them I say!

We, as a family, know of a number of people who have been afflicted by cancer in one way or another. We love to celebrate life with those who managed to survive, and we mourn those who succumbed to this absolutely hideous disease. We think about them a lot.

So, I figured, how hard can it be. If the weather stays like this, it will be cold, muddy, wet and yuck.

But that's NOTHING compared to cancer treatments and all the other hideous effects.

So, I have my new runners and am about to start getting into training. Must admit, the thought of training in this weather is not all that appealing, but my motto - Oh suck it up Lisa - what's a bit of water!

Now, here's the catch

If you would like to donate to the cause, we have set up our fundraising pages. Horse girl is aiming to raise $200 and she is already over halfway there.

The Senior Sergeant has a goal of $50 and has already exceeded that.

My goal at this stage is $200 and I am up and running thanks to a wonderful friend.

So if you have a few dollars spare, we would love if you can donate to one of us.
Just click on one of the links

Horse Girl -

Senior Sergeant

and me

And it's OK if you don't, just send us positive thoughts at the end of April - oh and something for pain relief may be useful too!!!!

Monday, 5 March 2012

Shopping - An Olympic Sport

Now, I used to be quite competitive in my shopping escapades, yes I once viewed it as an Olympic sport.
Oh, those were the days. Of money. And time. And care factor of more than 0.

Living in a little country paradise there are not a great deal of shops that I can afford do justice to.
So after dropping Horse Girl and the Senior Sergeant off in Sydney on Saturday I decided to venture into that big wide world of the shopping mall.

Of course, the first obstacle was trying to find a park as it appears that people can not think of ANYTHING ELSE to do on a rainy day than go wandering aimlessly around the shops- oh wait, I will get to that in a minute.

So after automatically driving to an outdoor carpark as geographically far away from the shops as possible to find there were no parks even there, I drove slowly around stalking following people going back to their cars.

Lesson no 1 - if you have finished your shopping and are going back to your car and the available car parking spaces are as few as days over 30 degrees we have had during summer, it is nice to advise the person in the waiting car where you have parked so that they can have your park, or indeed if you have finished shopping. I do not find it amusing to follow you at a slower than snail's pace from the moment you leave the exit doors to you get to your car and open every single door to dump your shopping in, then decide to light up a fag and discuss whether you have indeed spent all your pension money (oh please do not bag me for these comments ) or you still have some cash left that you may go and spend at KrispyKreme donuts for a tempting snack on the drive home, for you then to lock all the doors and walk back to the shops without any type of acknowledgement or goofy look on your face which says - "Oh, aren't we just a bunch of jerks sorry, forgot something!"

Anyway, once I had made the decision that I was not going to go shopping but instead drive immediately out of the car park, I of course then had a car park right there in front of me just begging to be used.

So I walked into the shops, ensuring I knew which entrance I was using so I could find my way out when I had finished.

Lesson No 2 - when shopping where the rest of the country has decided to shop on the same day, you do not need to walk five abreast along the walkway with 3 metres space in between you, whilst pushing a double stroller at less than 1km per hour whilst talking on your mobile phone at the same time you are discussing the menu for the baby's christening with your Mother In Law whilst also screaming at your toddler who has run away and about to embark on a bungee type jump off the escalator.

Next time, I am going to wear elbow pads and roller skates so I can just elbow them out of the way whilst rolling along at a safe speed and getting in front of them before they decide to stop and window shop at EVERY frigging shop in the mall.

Lesson No 3 - Just because your mobile phone rings DOES NOT MEAN you stop walking IMMEDIATELY so that the following 85 people behind you all bang into each other like a high speed crash on the autobahn.  Seriously people, just veer to the left and then RING THEM BACK when you are out of everyone else's goddamn way.

Lesson no 4 - When I go into a shop, please, shop assistants, look at me before you address me and ask me if there is "anything I would like today sweetie". Firstly, there is nothing sweet about me and I am old enough to be your mother, indeed, in this part of town possibly your great grandmother and I do not take kindly to such endearments.

Finally, Lesson no 5 -Can  SOMEONE please teach some of these people about CONTRACEPTION as the average age of parents at this place was 13 1/2

And no, I am NOT kidding!

Anyone want to come shopping with me next time?????


Lisa xox