Monday, 5 March 2012

Shopping - An Olympic Sport

Now, I used to be quite competitive in my shopping escapades, yes I once viewed it as an Olympic sport.
Oh, those were the days. Of money. And time. And care factor of more than 0.

Living in a little country paradise there are not a great deal of shops that I can afford do justice to.
So after dropping Horse Girl and the Senior Sergeant off in Sydney on Saturday I decided to venture into that big wide world of the shopping mall.

Of course, the first obstacle was trying to find a park as it appears that people can not think of ANYTHING ELSE to do on a rainy day than go wandering aimlessly around the shops- oh wait, I will get to that in a minute.

So after automatically driving to an outdoor carpark as geographically far away from the shops as possible to find there were no parks even there, I drove slowly around stalking following people going back to their cars.

Lesson no 1 - if you have finished your shopping and are going back to your car and the available car parking spaces are as few as days over 30 degrees we have had during summer, it is nice to advise the person in the waiting car where you have parked so that they can have your park, or indeed if you have finished shopping. I do not find it amusing to follow you at a slower than snail's pace from the moment you leave the exit doors to you get to your car and open every single door to dump your shopping in, then decide to light up a fag and discuss whether you have indeed spent all your pension money (oh please do not bag me for these comments ) or you still have some cash left that you may go and spend at KrispyKreme donuts for a tempting snack on the drive home, for you then to lock all the doors and walk back to the shops without any type of acknowledgement or goofy look on your face which says - "Oh, aren't we just a bunch of jerks sorry, forgot something!"

Anyway, once I had made the decision that I was not going to go shopping but instead drive immediately out of the car park, I of course then had a car park right there in front of me just begging to be used.

So I walked into the shops, ensuring I knew which entrance I was using so I could find my way out when I had finished.

Lesson No 2 - when shopping where the rest of the country has decided to shop on the same day, you do not need to walk five abreast along the walkway with 3 metres space in between you, whilst pushing a double stroller at less than 1km per hour whilst talking on your mobile phone at the same time you are discussing the menu for the baby's christening with your Mother In Law whilst also screaming at your toddler who has run away and about to embark on a bungee type jump off the escalator.

Next time, I am going to wear elbow pads and roller skates so I can just elbow them out of the way whilst rolling along at a safe speed and getting in front of them before they decide to stop and window shop at EVERY frigging shop in the mall.

Lesson No 3 - Just because your mobile phone rings DOES NOT MEAN you stop walking IMMEDIATELY so that the following 85 people behind you all bang into each other like a high speed crash on the autobahn.  Seriously people, just veer to the left and then RING THEM BACK when you are out of everyone else's goddamn way.

Lesson no 4 - When I go into a shop, please, shop assistants, look at me before you address me and ask me if there is "anything I would like today sweetie". Firstly, there is nothing sweet about me and I am old enough to be your mother, indeed, in this part of town possibly your great grandmother and I do not take kindly to such endearments.

Finally, Lesson no 5 -Can  SOMEONE please teach some of these people about CONTRACEPTION as the average age of parents at this place was 13 1/2

And no, I am NOT kidding!

Anyone want to come shopping with me next time?????


Lisa xox

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