Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Starting School - Lesson 1

Oh, first day back at school, how cute!

I can hear the sigh of relief from parents everywhere! I actually like the school hols, but I must admit, I like it better when I am on hols too!

Now, this post is a few tips from a teacher's point of view for those first day nerves. I know, I am a bit late so let's call it second day nerves. And yes, the teacher is me!

1.  Yes, Johnny, doesn't your new shiny lunchbox filled with 35 pieces of fruit, a bottle of sparkling mineral water, a haloumi and chorizo wrap with dill and Mummy's special mustard sauce, a homemade muesli bar (nut free of course), a packet of sultanas, a cheese stick, a mini yoghurt and a bottle of no sugar juice look wonderful!  Don't worry, Johnny, Mum/Dad/Grandma/Poppy/Significant other will soon lose the excitement of sending you to school with a gourmet lunchbox every day that would take you 6 hours to atcually eat it all and you will end up like every other kid in the playyground with a vegemite sandwich on white bread, a packet of tiny teddies and a mouldy banana in your kicked around and battered lunchbox.

2. Yes, Mary, I can see you have beautiful textas (even though you aren't allowed textas at this school for another 5 years) and yes, isn't Mummy the clever one who has made individual labels with a little animal for each texta and spent the last 7 days labelling them all. Don't worry Mary, by the end of week one you will have about 3 1/2 textas left and you will just colour everything in purple, yellow and baby poo brown. No, Mary, of course Mummy won't be disappointed in your artistic endeavours and yes, you will go to University and study for  a Bachelor of Arts because you do such wonderful pictures.

What's that Mary? It's not a picture of your nuclear family at all? Oh, now I see it, it is a picture of the Wiggles performing a concert in their nursing home - yes, Mary, that is the picture of the week

3. Yes, Francois, (oh for heaven's sake - where is the french in your family) you will get a merit award at sometime during the year because EVERY BLOODY KID gets a merit award. No, Francois (oh please) you don't have to be good at everything or in fact anything because teachers can always find a way to spot the 'good' in the little terrors angels in her class.
What's that Frenchy? No, getting a merit award for being proud of the playground is not a cop out but I can't write you one for pushing Little Suky over headfirst into the sand pit because she looks like a dead blow fly and everyone laughed so just be bloody grateful you got one at all

4. Yes Little Suky, you are an angel and I am SOOOOOO glad you are in my class. Now, I know it is only the start of the year but I think we should discuss a savings plan for you. What's that Suky? You want to donate the money to starving children in the Moon? Oh, dear, no, I was more thinking along the lines of spending that money on a lovely crate of Moet for me for Christmas. How many A's would you like on that report Mr and Mrs Suky?

And that's just in the first five minutes!!!

Oh, I do miss teaching (I really do)


Lisa x0x

1 comment :

  1. Ah school. I remember it well. Well actually I don't. Did I ever go to school? I remember Mum sending me off everyday (that should be forced me off) and I would make it 200 metres up the road to the little church, where I would stay until 8.30am when I knew Mum would be leaving to go to work (at a bloody school). I would then just turn around and head back home. I must admit I did grow out of that by the age of 7. I didn't really care much for if A-C=E, what is the value of E, as I have never ever had to come up against that one in my life (no, we did not have calculators in those days, not like the ones they have now, which can actually make your vegemite sandwiches). Didn't really care about History, hello, I am living in the current world, move on people. I couldn't give a rats if Captain Cook and his lacky, Joey Banks found Australia because they got lost as they failed geography or if Burke and Wills couldn't afford a car and had to walk all that way. Science, only good when using the old bunson burner to try and burn the school down. English, they gave me a pommy teacher who I couldn't understand. I could never understand those people who went to school for 13 years then became teachers!!!

    The Phantom Poster